I thought you may be interested in a coaching session I did yesterday about the issue of jealousy.
I have stripped out lots that was confidential and/or may not be relevant to everyone and just left the bare bones. If this issue is prevalent in your relationship either because you or your partner are jealous some of these questions and this philosophy may help - it certainly helped this woman whose relationship was being destroyed by her partners jealousy.
Firstly she asked me a question - what is jealousy? - I dont understand it even!
I explained my beliefs about it - ok I believe its just a pattern of behaviour and thoughts that only happens in someone who doesnt feel good enough about him/herself and doesnt believe that they are totally lovable.
If you are jealous you must be believing that someone else is more blessed than you or that they are somehow better than you. my guess is that you (or whoever) has no clue as to what the person who you are jealous of is really experiencing too.
She explained - My boyfriend has a real challenge with my male friends and sees them all as a threat, if i get a text with a x on the end then it creates a problem.
I asked - is his jealousy justified by how you talk to other men? If you are too intimate it may be that he has a point! If its just natural, healthy connection then the last thing you want to do is change to stop his jealousy. because its not good to re- inforce this behaviour.or you will be on egg shells all your life with him.
if you change to stop his irrational fear you are giving into it and you will always have to be careful around this man.
And bluntly if he runs jealousy (for no good reason) thats his shit.and if you try to stop it happening you are not being you.so the relationship is not based on truth and it is unlikely to last!
She sighed and said - no im not. being me.
I applauded her realisation and said - good, so what would you say to him now if you speaking your whole truth? because if he cant handle YOU.
the real you. could it be that he isnt the right man for you?.you see when you are you he has 2 choices - handle it or not? of course if you are frightened of loosing him.
She hesitated and said . mmm maybe I am.
I carried on to encourage her to go inside for the real truth about this situation. and asked her - Could it be that he isnt being the real him as well? so far you may only know the him in fear. are you prepared to committ to a long term relationship with someone who is fearful? Jealousy is fear by the way. and just whilst were delving - were your previous relationships jealous?
She gasped. Yes, both were and the 2 before them!
So its your pattern too honey.
if he does jealousy and anger what are you doing?
She thought for a moment and then said - I venture into the world of passive, keep my mouth shut and hope it wont last long - doesnt sound good does it?
I asked Tony what makes a man do jealousy? he explained - if a man is jealous he feels insecure about himself and is afraid of loosing you. that is not healthy. its all low energy and from fear. notice that anger and passive behaviour is all the same it just looks different.
fear of loosing is attachment and will just cause more fear. and you see walking on egg shells is worrying how he will react all the time.
I asked her - have you thought about the affect of this on the kids? I bet you think they dont know whats going on yes?
She replied - Ouch!
Because could it be that they can feel the low energy in the house and in you?and do you know that ALL KIDS copy you in energy and behaviour.they pick up everything, even what you are not telling them.
I asked her - so what are you going to do?
She said - Be me.
and if he doesnt like the friendly slightly flirty you who is good with xs on her texts?
She admitted - Not sure.
So what kind of person stays in a relationship like that? And what kind of person who knows this is messing up their kids carries on? something to think about.but do you want the good news?
She said, of course, - Yes Please!!
You could solve this easily. if you just dont get got by his jealousy.
dont react to it in any way.tell him you are going to be you and that if he doesnt like your behaviour well maybe he needs to find someone else. and mean it. but to do that you would have to NOT be afraid of loosing him. you see you have to set your boundaries or you will constantly be walking on egg shells
She positively yelped.
Ok Ive got it! I cant change him but I can be me - the person he fell in love with funnily enough!
Yes all you have to do is be you and NOT IN FEAR, that would mean telling him all your truth and not changing if he gets angry or jealous or anything. I cannot tell you how fabulous it is to be with a man who is completely certain in himself and to feel that I can be the whole of me warts and all.
The worst that can happen is that he is not the man for you because he is too in fear.
and so you will be saved from a lifetime of well. shit! and so will your kids.only time will tell as to whether he can handle the real you and your healthy needs, my guess is you will find out pretty quick!
I trust this has been helpful to anyone suffering from jealousy.
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